Saturday, October 19, 2013

Can it be our turn yet?

I haven't, and don't talk about my feelings or struggles much, at least not in a public way. I am a pretty private person when it comes to matters of the heart. But I feel like venting. And since no one reads my blog anyways here goes my jumbled mis-mosh of thoughts:

I am infertile and this is how it feels-

Life is confusing. I cry a lot. My heart hurts. I have sad days. I get angry. I can be jealous and sometimes resentful. I yearn and ache. I feel left out. I feel behind. I feel judged. I feel alone. I question a lot of things. I am no stranger to disappointment, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I don't want to be broken.  It's my fault.  I want to be normal. I pretend like everything is ok.  I'm hormonal and irrational and quite frankly sick of being poked and prodded and pumped full of drugs. I really don't want to hear another "oh just stop thinking about it, that's when it happens", because right now, yes, this is what I think a lot about, because if I don't think about it and put forth the added effort, it is NOT going to happen- so I HAVE to "think" about it.

 I don't like having the conflicting feelings when another person announces they are expecting. I know everyone has their own story's and struggles and deep down do not want to judge, but to see it all around me it pricks at my heart. Its difficult to see so many pregnant people and family's around me posting maternity pictures, baby pictures, nursery pictures, pinning baby this and that and having baby showers. Its not that I'm not happy for them- I am happy for them because I DO love people and genuinely care, but is it so bad that I want to taste a little piece of their same happiness? I guess I'm selfish. Its such an awkward position to be in. I try not to let it affect me, but it does.  I am trying to live happy here and now and have had help from my husband.

 Barry and I have really tried hard to enjoy our time together and I think we have done a good job at that. We have had a lot of really fun memorable times together. We stay busy and active. We have taken fun trips, cruises, lake outings, and do all the things that we "can't do" with kids- go to the movies, go out to dinner, stay up late, work out, spend money-- you know.  We try not to just "sit around and feel sorry for ourselves". At the end of the day, no cruise can replace the hole in our heart that we really want a family. We are happy though. If anything, and as cliche as it is to say, we really have become closer. Barry is my best buddy. He has been perfectly supportive. He's just there for me and loves me no matter what. I am grateful for him and his good humor to keep me smiling on the days I don't want to.

Barry and I have always known we wanted a family since we got married in 2009. We have never done anything in the way of prevention. We started seeing a doctor right after we got married knowing fertility could be a challenge for me. I have never had a normal cycle and have struggled with hormonal imbalances my whole life.  I was diagnosed with a very common generic infertility term PCOS -poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, though I exhibit none of the normal symptoms of PCOS. My body just doesn't produce mature follicles and prevents ovulation. After many, many appointments, consultations, ultrasounds, treatments, tests, rounds of medications and shots with a few different recommended doctors we have spend thousands of dollars and have had no success. We have never been pregnant.  In 4 years we have never seen that happy little + sign.  This has led us to where we are today, under the care of fertility specialist Dr. Randall Craig a reproductive endocrinologist.  We are still moving forward. The process of fertility is very drawn-out and long because its an entire month at a time. We do have a game plan. We are determined to have a family. If in the end, after all our options have been exhausted we aren't able to get pregnant we will adopt.  I do have faith and trust that there is a plan for us it just might look different than what I think.

Dealing with infertility is roller coaster of emotions, yet despite every hard emotion I experience,  month after month after month, I remain hopeful. I still have the spark of "what-if?" What if this time it works? So I keep trying. I am hopeful because ultimately I know it will be worth every single hard day. I remain hopeful because I know I want a baby. I want to be a mother and feeling inadequate to be one weighs me down.  I just want it to be my turn and it is hard to be patient. I see life passing me by. I always wanted to be a young "hip" Mom. I am now 30 years old. I always thought I'd be married at 21 and have a least a few kids. Life just doesn't turn out they way you expect it to. I'm trying to be a good person. I am trying to be a good member of the church. I want to keep the commandments. What an interesting trial infertility is. It truly tests your faith. I am grateful for those is my life that I have been there for me! My two sisters Kari Kinsey and Tami Peters and other family members also Brielle Gunderson, Julie Porter, Amy Betz and Tiffany Passey have really cared, stayed interested, hopeful and have showed love for us.

I'm not very eloquent with words and it is hard to express how difficult infertility is for me but there is just a little insight of what it feels like.


Laura said...

Oh Lisa, I know everyone's stories are different, but I wholeheartedly agree and can relate to everything you said--infertility is hard!!! i hated it when everyone told me to be patient and stop worrying about it. But someday you will look back and see that it all worked out for the best and the Lord's hand was blessing you through all it all--until that day, hang in there! And know its ok to feel all those emotions--I tried to hold it in for so long, but when you allow yourself to grieve, you begin to heal. I'll be praying for you guys!! Good luck!!

Lisa said...

Thank you Laura!!

Bret said...

Thanks for sharing this Lis. You are an amazing strong woman. Our family prays for you and Barry all the time. Seriously. Love you Sis.

Shelley said...

My Lisa, your comments were so heart wrenching, I could barely read the words, my eyes were so filled with tears! Yes, I agree that LIFE just doesn't seem fair! I don't understand WHY either, but that doesn't stop me (and Dad) from praying and praying that you will get a child of your own. I really think we should have a FAMILY FAST next fast Sunday! Thanks for sharing ! We LOVE you so much! M & D

Brenden+Nikki said...

Lisa I was just checking up on your blog and so glad that I did. There is nothing I can say to adequately even try to make you feel less frustrated about this trial. When it all comes down to the nitty gritty I think the most important thing is your testimony. You really are a beautiful person and I have always admired your zest and happiness. You are beautiful! I pray that everything will work out for you and Barry. You both deserve the world! Love you!